I was in an awful mood during dinner last night. today I’ve been thinking a lot about my size, how big I am. I want to super restrict again…and not in a good way. I feel so guilty about not running but I’m still not supposed to yet, I’m so bruised still it looks awful. I do miss doing lots of yoga so I know I’ll start that up again soon.

I’m not sure how to sort through my feelings, everything is so confusing and mixed up. all I am realizing is how silly I am to worry about my appointment wednesday, my mom doesn’t even think anything will be wrong so I must be stupid for caring at all-but it is my body, after all? I hope I get to go away soon, to the cape or somewhere and just pretend everything is perfectly fine and that my mind isn’t about to explode. I don’t feel like seeing friends from high school all that much…I feel like I look too different, I’ve changed too much, they’ve changed too much. it’s not as though I’ll be home all that much anymore either. I really don’t know what to do about next year, I can already see myself restricting a lot and not eating meals with other people or weighing things out and being all disordered. I like being friends with the 7 (or 6, hah), but sometimes it’s just too much, I feel too forced into being friends and hanging out and really sometimes I think it’d all be better if I just stayed alone all the time so no one would have to be infected by me. it’s better if no one has to interact with me.

I know I literally just ate so it can’t have already gone to my thighs, but why can I feel it seeping in already??

love will come through its just waiting for you

I am awful at concentrating. I can’t focus. I feel stupid for worrying about this. My stomach feels awful and I’m so tired. I want to go to bed early tonight and sleep in tomorrow before I start studying for psych. I am very much ready for this to all be over. I’m having trouble focusing on calc right now too, I should get off of this. I’m just so afraid everything is going to go wrong, I feel like the slight retraction the doctor mentioned isn’t something that happens with intraductal papillomas and I don’t know. This is all so real. Suppose it actually was bad; how much would my life change? It’s scary to think about yet that’s what’s on my mind all the fucking time, all day.

Chem was a disaster, I think I got a lot of the small problems wrong. I need to study for calc and make sure I don’t forget easy basic stuff. It’s almost all over. I feel like taking a break even for part of tomorrow will put me off track and I won’t want to study for psych at all. I just feel like I’m not doing anything right and I’m not sure how I can even begin to go about fixing it.

I don’t feel any different from yesterday at all. dreading chem. not caring much about calc. tumbling from the library

I suck

I still feel awful. I get so nervous that I’m not studying enough that I wake up early, before 7 to get to the library. When I first got here yesterday and today no one was even near me. And I felt so awful and sick after dinner last night that I went to bed so early. But I have a hard time getting to sleep too, my mind is always buzzing

I know I’ll be fine for bio, I have all of today after lunch and on to study for it but chem makes me really anxious, and calc too only because it’s after chem and on the same day. Thursday night I’m relaxing. My writing portfolio is basically done, I’m not going to do another draft of my research paper I guess. I feel very alone in all of this, and out of the group. Which is okay I guess, but I wish I felt more included and I don’t know this is what happens when you don’t tell everyone everything. I never have been very honest with them and I sometimes wish I had but really no one knows the real me. Maybe Kelsey comes close or even Kate, and kind of Allie but there are so many parts missing.

I’m not dying. I’m not dying. I’m not dying. The tumor is benign. It’s benign. I’m alive. I’m not dying.

If I repeat it enough times maybe it’ll turn true. I bet I’ll feel really stupid after all of this is over, but I just have this sinking feeling lurking within me. I don’t know. It’s nothing. I’m okay.

I’m a mess. I’ve been so nervous lately, anxious and stuff about all of this. that awful chem test and that awful idea that has been in my mind and my next appointment isn’t for so long. more than a week. how am I supposed to sit around with that on my mind? I can’t have cancer, can I? it’s most likely benign. but most women my age do NOT have intraductal papillomas. basically all of it was unlikely to start with and holy crap I don’t know what to do it is so hard to focus and study

I’m actually having a hard time eating, I feel sick every time I do. like if anything too much goes down into my stomach I know it might just come right back up. I’m not even restricting on purpose. I can feel when I’m hungry but I feel more sick than like I want to eat. it’s so hard because I need to take my meds with food and oh god I struggle with that so much. nothing sounds appetizing right now. I’m afraid I’m going to fail my chem test. bio is so boring to study for. writing is okay, just not sure if/what I should write another draft. I need to go to bed soon; I’m so tired I had so much trouble falling asleep last night and I have to wake up and do laundry before I study all day. I’m glad I told kelsey (mullin), I had to tell someone but no one at school knows and I don’t think people understand how awful I feel when I say I’ve been having a bad week, they’re just blaming it on that chem test when really there is so much more to it. I want to tell someone and have them convince me that all is okay, it’s okay right? I’m afraid I’m getting worried and upset over nothing but this sure doesn’t feel like nothing

some clothes are going home this weekend, and all of these packs of drinks. I think next weekend we can move out the bulk of my stuff, including fridge/micro and then I’ll take my psych final monday and just stay until tuesday, because my appt is at st e’s anyway. I guess next weekend will involve a lot of emptying out all my stuff, like desk etc and only saving some clothes that I would know I’d need. ughhghghghhghghghghghhghghghg all of this is making me worried, from the idea of packing all my stuff up to thinking about what’s going on with my stupid awful body to all of my impending finals and this just came at an awful time of the year. when would it have been worse? maybe if I had been at camp, or it was just the start of school? I was not in the highest of spirits then either, though, so it probably wouldn’t have made a difference. aka this is the worst time.